Lonely, even when you’re loved.

People checked on me and wanted to help. But I was struggling with postpartum depression, and I felt so disconnected from myself and from the life happening around me. I want you to know that I did feel like myself again, because back then I was afraid I wouldn’t.

Everything had changed so drastically. My days, my relationships, my routines, even the way I felt inside my own body. I remember feeling like I was watching my life unfold around me instead of actually being a part of it. It was such a strange feeling to explain, especially when everyone expected me to be happy. I didn’t need to pretend with the people who wanted to know how I really was.

There’s also this enormous shift in attention when you have a baby. Everyone wants to see the baby, hold the baby, ask how the baby is doing. And of course they do. But sometimes no one asks how the mother is doing. I hope someone asks about you, too. What you miss, what you’d like to talk about, not only how the baby slept.

I loved my baby, and I still missed feeling connected to myself. If that sounds familiar, you don’t have to explain it perfectly before telling someone. And if a familiar song or a conversation about something other than feeding feels good for a moment, I hope you get to enjoy it without needing it to mean you’re completely better.

And I want to be honest about something else, too. Some mothers go through this without anyone around them at all. No one bringing meals, no one asking how she’s doing, no adult conversation for days. If that’s you, the loneliness is even heavier, and none of it is your fault for not having a village.

You deserve company and care whether or not you already have people around you. I can’t tell you when things will begin to feel different. But that distance from my own life didn’t last forever. I hope you find your way back to yourself, too, a little at a time.